Family Photo Shoot

When Logan was just 10 days old my wonderful Aunt & amazing photographer came to our hosue & did our first family photo shoot. I can't believe he was that little! We plan on using some of these photos to make birth announcements. I just know we are going to treasure these forever! Here are some of our favourites:

This one of the 3 of us we are having blown up & framed for the livingroom!

One Month!!

Logan you are one month old today! I can't believe you have been with us for a whole month! You are still supposed to be in my belly! But here you are, beautiful & perfect!

At your last dcotor's appointment you weighed 7lbs 4oz! I am sure you are even bigger now!

You still love to eat and will happily take a bottle or breast, as long as we feed you!

You are still wearing size newborn diapers, I tried you in size ones this week & you peed thru them!

You are just starting to grow out of some of your newborn clothes and starting to fit into some of your 0-3 month outfits!

You really love to be held, your happy with anyone who will hold you, but are most content with your mommy!

You are still sleeping in the bassinet in mommy & daddy's room, and most nights end up in our bed with us!

You are not sleeping thru the night, you wake up to eat every 2-3hrs during the day and every 3-3&1/2 hrs at night.

You have one or two "awake" periods usually in the afternoon or evening when we play on your mat or read stories.

You are a very strong boy & can hold your head up for a few seconds when doing tummy time!

You are a mover & a shaker, always wiggling around & turnign to your side!

You are the noiseiest baby we have ever seen! you moan & grunt & groan thru feedings & sleep!

We love you so very much! We thank God everyday for blessing us with you and although it makes us a little sad to see you grow we are so excited to see what is to come!

New Thoughts....

I think these photos are very fitting for this post. I knew I wanted carriers for Logan before he was born, however I never considered what an important role "baby wearing" would play for us!

Its amazing how your thoughts & plans change once you actually become a mommy. There are so many things I thought I would or would not do that I am now starting to question. I suppose that is where the saying "I was a perfect parent before I had children" came from. I have this intense feeling of wanting to give Logan everything he needs physically, emotionally & spiritually to be the most amazing person that I know he can be. There are still many things I feel the same way about, but some pretty big things I am questioning. I am going to write about how I am feeling, partially to get it down and figure out exactly what I think about it and partially to get input & advice from other mommies and mommies to be. Receantly I have been seeing a lot about "attachment parenting", I find I agree with many of these principles, however I am not comfortabel with defining our parenting style. I want to be flexible, I want us to continue to learn as we go & to do things according to our & Logan's needs; which are constantly changing.

Breastfeeding

I always knew I would breastfeed, this was a huge priority to me. Before I had Logan I thought I would be relatively relaxed about it. I don't believe in nipple confusion, I would give him & encourage a pacifier and I woudl give bottles. These bottles may be expressed breast milk or they may be formula. I even bought said formula with coupons & sales while I was pregnant. Well now that Logan is here I am still relatively relaxed, I think thats why the breastfeeding is going so well. He does take a pacifier, this was intiated in hospital & I am glad for that. He has taken exactly 4 bottles since we have been home from the hospital. These were all EBM. I do not want him to have formula. I am shocked that I feel this way. I didn't expect to love and enjoy breastfeeding the way I do. I didn't expect to SEE in his face how much my baby enjoys it, its such a special time for us. I want him to continue taking bottles occassionally but hope to continue breastfeeding for a full year.

Co-sleeping

We intended on "co-sleeping" as in having Logan sleep in his bassinet in our room. In fact, I was not comfortable with bed-sharing or family beds. Not that I am against these in general, I think each family needs to do what works for them & what makes htem all healthy & happy. Which brings me to where we are currently, we have a baby in bed with us. I was always adamant this would not happen, because babies in bed turn into toddlers & children in bed, which I still do not want FOR US. However, Logan seems to want & need to be near us. I think this makes sense, we offer so much comfort, we are all they know from the womb. He sleeps better & longer when he is next to me. I sleep better to as I find I am drowsing during nursing sessions in bed. That all beign said, this scares me, I am so fearful, all I think of it what I tell my patients (what the hospital tells us to say) bedsharing=SIDS. I have done my own reading & research and now KNOW that in exclusively, on demand breast fed babies it is very safe, especially if you take precautions, which we do. We have a King size bed, there is plenty of room. For now we are bedsharing, for how long? I don't know we will decide when we get there, I am thinking probably 3-6 months, once he starts sleeping longer we plan on transitioning him to his room with a bedtime routine.

Germs/crowds

Being in the medical profession I think we know too much. I dont' think I thought this out much before Logan was born but I am not at all comfortable wiht him around a lot of people. I love for my family & friends to see him, but even with them they MUST wash their hands before they hold him. Also I dont' like a lot of children around him. My sister says I am "anal", if so then thats fine. The flu & RSV and many other illnesses can be fatal to babies under 6 months. Logan is especially at risk because he was born premature. I know I can't keep him in a bubble & honeslty I am not trying to, however I think I should do what I can to protect him. I like to think I will be more relaxed about these things as he grows but I am not gauranteeing that!

Thats really all I can think of at the moment, its good to have gotten it down. For now I think I will just continue to go with the flow. I am not comforming to one particular style or theory. I want to be open & flexible for Logan, I want to do only what works for us. I just want to be the best mother I can, my beautiful son deserves nothing less.

Logan's Birth Story

I know it took me a long time to get it done but here it is! Its a long one, I am glad I got it all written down tho. Here is the moment Logan was born & they put him on my chest (sorry if this photo is too much for some of my readers, I am comfortable sharing it tho!

My pregnancy was challenging to say the least. I was taken off work at 15 weeks on March 13th due to bleeding & placenta previa, I was placed on modified bedrest. At 28 weeks this finally cleared, although my placenta was still low we were able to attempt a vaginal delivery when the time came, I had mixed feelings on this. For some reason I was convinced I would end up with a c-section & was tempted to have an elective one as I really feared childbirth. At 29 weeks I was admitted to the hospital for 18 days with gallbladder issues, I was unable to eat & was placed on TNA for 3 days to ensure the baby was receiving adequate nutrition. I finally was sent home at 33 weeks. At 34 weeks I started to have complications of swelling & high blood pressure.

On Wed July 22nd I was 35 weeks I woke up from a terrible nights sleep with a headache & visual disturbances, DH noticed that the swelling in my legs was worse & that my hands & face were now swollen. He took my BP which was very high at 150/105. After sleeping & going for my massage therapy appointment we retook my blood pressure & it was the same. We decided to head to the hospital, I assumed it would be a quick in & out visit. I was admitted, I was SO upset I had only been home for a week & half! They started a 24 hour urine collection & monitored my blood work & BP closely. I had protein in my urine but the blood work was not too bad.

Thursday July 23rd, 35 wks 1 day. I was feeling increasingly worse. My headache was unbearable my BP continued to rise and the swelling was now from my forehead to toes. I spent the day in a dark quiet room trying to relax, around 4pm I started to feel my heart racing & I felt panicked, like a feeling of “impending doom”. I know this sounds ridiculous but as a nurse I know this is something to take seriously. I called my nurse who called the OB (mine was away & his partner was covering). She came & checked my cervix, it was closed & long but soft. She made the decision to induce me right then. I called DH & my mom to come up to the hospital. Our plan was for just DH to be there for the labour & delivery & for our family to come just prior to delivery & be in the waiting room. Since everything happened so quickly I had no bad packed & nothing with me so my mom came & stayed with me while DH went home to get some things together.

6pm-Brought to high risk unit, foley catheter inserted in cervix. This caused some cramping in my lower abdomen & perineum. I was given Demerol for my headache at this time as well.
6:30pm- Anaesthetist came to start IV because the nurses were not able to because of my previous hospital stay & numerous IV attempts. The magnesium sulphate was started to keep my blood pressure under control & prevent seizures. The decision was made to insert my epidural catheter at this time without giving any medication in case I was going into HELLP and we were unable to do it later if my platelets dropped. Foley catheter was inserted in my bladder, I was put on strict bedrest & was unable to have any fluids by mouth even water or ice chips because of the risk for seizure.
7:30pm-The oxytocin was started to induce labour. The cramping was becoming more intense, contractions were starting to pick up on the monitor, but it was not as bad as I expected, it was all in my bottom that I felt the pain.
9:30pm-The Dr came to “tug” on the foley cather, it came out easily. My cervix was 2-3cm dilated and 50% effaced. My water was broke-I was shocked at the huge gush there was. DH was still at home getting things together at this point he is still a little sad he missed all this. He arrived shortly after & my mom went home. We made some phone calls & let our friends & family know what was happening but asked that no one come up since it was early in labour & I was only allowed 2 people in the high risk room.
10:20pm-After my water broke the contraction got more intense I still only felt them really low in my abdomen & in my vagina. The epidural was turned on as my blood pressure was getting higher with the pain. I had always planned on getting an epidural anyways so I was fine with this, especially since I was stuck in bed & my coping strategies were very limited. After this DH & I just hung out in shock that this was all happening so early & so fast. We got on the internet & updated facebook & my blog then watched some TV and I slept for a few hours.
Friday July 24th
12:30am-The doctor came in & checked me before he went to bed (the DR stays 24 hrs when on call) my cervix was 4-5cm dilated. I was very happy with my progress considering I was on the Mag Sulphate & it was an induction. I was starting to feel pretty crappy from the meds, I was SO cold from my neck down but my face was on fire. I was putting warm blankets on my body & cold cloths on my face.
1:40am-I started feeling a lot of pain & pressure in my bottom & lower abdomen again. I was “topped up” thru the epidural. This worked to get me comfortable but made me vomit-which was awful. I was able to sleep a little more after I got some Gravol.
3:30am-The epidural wore off again, the nurse paged the anaesthetist to see if we could try different medication as it only relieved my pain for a few hours and made me so sick. The Dr was in the OR so I had to wait, this was very difficult, I was vomiting from the pain, & crying, DH was great he kept talking me thru it and reminding me to breather because I kept holding my breath. The pressure was so intense. I know it was hard for him to see me like that.
4:30am-The anaesthetist finally came and gave me a different, stronger combination of medication thru my epidural. I was able to get some relief but was still vomiting & started getting the shakes. I thought perhaps I was starting with transition because as an L&D nurse I know sometimes the epidural can’t keep up with the pain at that point.
5:00am-Getting uncomfortable again, I was crying & tossing in the bed, DH felt so bad for me. The OB came to check me I was only 6cm but was 100% effaced. I was so disappointed & discouraged. I knew I couldn’t keep going if we couldn’t get the pain under control. He offered to do a c-section at that point since I had only changed 1-2cm in 4 plus hours. I was so tempted to do it because I was still afraid I would end up with a section later anyways and I was in so much pain. I looked at DH who said it was up to me. I looked at my nurse/colleague and asked her what I should do. She said she didn’t’ want to give me bad advice but that the baby’s heartrate was good and that when she checked me she felt that there was ample “room” for the baby to come down. I denied the section (hoped I wouldn’t regret it but asked for pain relief and something different for the nausea. I was given another top-up (#3) and maxeran for the vomiting. I asked DH to call my mom at that point because he was so exhausted & clearly needed support in supporting me. I am so glad I did this.
6:20am-My mom came & went into full mom mode getting me warm blankets, cold cloths, cleaning up my puke (lovely) and encouraging DH and me. I had some relief for about 45 minutes but the pressure was back it was all in my bottom.
7:00am-The pressure continued to get more intense and my vomiting continued. I told my nurse I needed to have a bowel movement and asked for a bedpan. She checked me & I was 7-8cm, this was encouraging, the baby was also getting much lower. She said the pressure was jus the baby and encouraged me to breathe. I was given another top up at that time by the anaesthetist again, a much larger & stronger dose. The pressure and urge to push was SO intense but I knew it would cause cervical swelling so I tried so hard not to.
8:30am-My regular OB was called to come in & assess the situation they were still having trouble keeping me comfortable & were again questioning if I needed a c-section. Thank God baby was tolerating everything very well. I was in agony, I told the nurse my body was pushing on its own, she said that was OK, the pressure was unreal. DH was having a very hard time seeing me like that. My OB came & checked me & I was a rim, just a tiny but of cervix left and the baby was super low, which I could feel. He ordered that I get another top-up and that if that didn’t work my epidural be restarted he did not want me to be that uncomfortable, he was upset I had been so uncomfortable for so long.
The baby was turned slightly the wrong way so they turned me on my side to try to get him to turn. I was given more medicine & received some relief, the pressure was still there but tolerable.
9:20am-My OB came in checked me, I was fully dilated; he had me do a practice push & said I was a great pusher. He wanted me to start pushing. The nurses got the room ready & my mom went out to the waiting room with the rest of the family.
9:30am-I started pushing. The baby turned into the right position while I pushed. Everyone says I was a great pusher. DH was with me, my BFF, who I work with, was working & was holding one of my legs. The encouragement I heard in everyone’s voices was amazing. I could feel the baby moving down in my pelvis as I pushed. He squirmed all the way out, it was unbelievable to feel that. The NICU had to come for the delivery since I was pre-term, the NICU nurse who came was my mom’s BFF, who took care of my sister in the NICU 25 years ago. I pushed for 35 minutes. I was able to totally zone in on the pushing and focus only on that, it was so empowering. Just as the baby was crowing (and I felt the ring of fire) someone said to DH, last guess, what do you think boy or girl? DH said I don’t know, it really doesn’t matter but if it’s a girl I am getting a shotgun! I delivered with the next push, I remember them saying “Sarah open your eyes look at your baby” and seeing this beautiful little face, the next thing I heard was my DR say “No need for a shotgun! It’s a boy” and looking at DH and being so happy. Logan Lawrence Cruz was born at 10:05 am, weighing 5lbs 10oz and measuring 18.5inches long. They placed him on my chest & the nurse in me started stimulating him & saying “breathe baby” finally he started to cry & took a breath. DH cut the cord & the nurse took him to the warmer to check him over. He started having trouble breathing right away. They let me hold him for a moment before DH carried him down to the NICU. He was put on Nasal CPAP to help him breathe and they had to start an IV. After 4 hours he was breathing on his own. We were not able to initiate breastfeeding until later that evening, but he did well with it right away. He spent 1 week in the NICU, mostly because of jaundice caused by an ABO incompatibility. My blood pressure remained high for about a week, but I am doing much better now. Logan is doing amazing, at his 2 week appointment he had passed his birth weight & today he weighs 7lbs 4 oz! He is EBF.

I know that was really long for those who made it to the end thanks for reading!

My Chunky Monkey!

I just love this photo of Logan & I. This is how Les found us when he came home from work one day this week. Logan is a snuggler, he jsut loves being held, so here we are, he is sleeping in my arms & I am catching up on some reading.
We went to see Dr.S today to check L's jaundice, & weight, to make sure he is gaining enough since he is a preemie & is exclusively breastfed. Ha! They like to see a gain of 25-30 grams a day, so its been 10 days since his last check up, we were hoping he put on 300 grams or so. He gained 600 grams!!! Mind you that was clothes & with a full diaper, but still! He now weighs a whoppign 7lbs 4 oz! The other great news is that he is all cleared of his jaundice issues! No more blood tests for this little guy! Dr.S is so pleased with him we dont' go back till his 2 month visit!

We had more visitors this week! Here is L with his daddy & his future playmate, Ava. Doesn't he still look so tiny next to the two of them!?

Here we are with L cozy in the hotsling, he loves that thing ALMOST as much as the moby. I find this great for when we are out & about, it keeps him close by, protected from people touching him & me hands free for shopping or whatever.

Here is L is his little wale outfit from Auntie Niki, isn't it cute? I just love his side eye here!

L has been much more alert & active for longer stretches. We have been using this as play time or story time, here is Les reading him a great new book!

3 weeks!

Here is my little man at 3 weeks! He is changing so much already! He is getting so long! We have a check up tomorrow & I am eager to see his length & weight. I know he has grown. All of his newborn clothes still fit, most are still pretty lose but he is at the limit for length in his little footed sleepers thats for sure!

He has definetly been going thru a major growth spurt! He has been fussier & even hungrier then ever. Nursing is still going well, we are nursign on demand and he eats between 1-4 hrs apart, usually 2 & 1/2-3hrs. I am feeling much more relaxed about things. I am pretty sure his jaundice is all cleared up, I have even stopped writing down all his feeding & diapers. We are just enjoying eachother. He knows who is momma is & is so happy to be in my arms!

Les & I left him for the first time the other night. I didn't feel 100% ready to do this but it went well. My mom came & stayed with him & we just went to dinner. It was nice to spend a little time one on one. Of course we talked about L the whole time!

Growing so fast!

How is my baby growing so fast already?!! It still totally amazes me that he is not supposed to be here yet, he isn't due until August 26th, infact he was just term this past week & yet here he is growing before my eyes! I will admit I have been pretty emotional about this, Les says it the hormones, I think its just being a mommy. I feel exrta blessed that I got this extra time with him as an outside baby, to watch him change & grow on the outisde intead of the inside.

While he is defiently still a tiny baby (who gets LOTS of ohs and awes out in public) he is growing in ways his momma can see! I would guess him to be just over 6 lbs, he goes to see Dr.S next week for a weight check. He is fillign out & getting long, while his newborn clothes still fit several of his footed sleepers are just right in length & of he grows much more they won't really fit! I actually had tears in my eyes when dressing him the other morning because he just seems so big! He is changing his looks as well & as his jaundice clears (YAY!) he is more fair then ew expected. Although he looks like his daddy with his asian features he resembles mine & my sisters baby pictures much more then he does Les'. This makes me kind of happy as I feared my child would look nothing like me, I like that I can see myself in him!

While I know I WANT him to grow & be healthy I am still slightly sad to watch his newborn phase slip away. My BFF assures me that I will enjoy each new phase for all the wonderful moments & memories they offer & while I believe her I am tryign so hard to savour every momebt of him just like this. He is so small & cuddly I just love him up every day. I am so glad that I don't believe you can spoil a newborn because he spends much of our days at home in my arms, napping on myu chest or lap or in a sling/carrier while I get things done around the house. I absolutely love nursing him & am so happy to have those special moments between us.

Here are the newest pictures of my little boy, can you see the changes? Doesn't he look OLD!?
Here he us all ready for bed in a cosy sleeper on his change table, daddy STILL needs to hang that animal peg/hook thing! Isn't he a sweetie?!

He is starting to have alert periods during the day, we usually read books & play on the mat during those times, he likes his mat already...he is only semi amused by tummy time!

Finally here he is in his crib (he doesn't sleep there & so the bumpers are still up). He got that cute personalized bear from one of my sister's friends! Look at his cheeks! I want to eat them! ha

2 weeks!

I can't believe Logan is 2 weeks old today! I am happy that he is healthy & doing so well but it makes me sad that he is growing so fast! Time is literally just flying by. We went to his new doctor yesterday, Logan is doing great. He is gaining more weight & it looks like his jaundice is clearing. Dr.S recommended more time in the sun and that we go back in 10 days to have him rechecked. He also said that the breastfeeding is going so well that we should just be feeding on demand, not to worry about waking him every few hours. So Mr.Logan is calling the shots around here!

I teared up today when I was dressing Logan, I can tell he is growing already. I just want to stretch out this time a little longer, I wish the newborn stage lasted longer. I know we have so many fun and exciting moments as he grows to look forward to as well!

Daddy & his little man....

Look at this sweet sleeping boy! He loves sleeping on his side & always curls his little hands around his face...couldn't you just eat him up?!! He is inthe newborn napper in his PNP here & I must say this was an awesoem investment! He sleeps well in it & it vibrates & plays music for when he does fuss.
I want to use today's blog to talk about my wonderful husband & his transition to fatherhood. I always knew Les owuld be an amazing dad, we were both on board with having a child 100% when we started TTC last fall. We were both surprised (pleasently) at how quickly we became pregnant, but I worried a little that it was too quick for Les. His friends are all still bachelors, most still live at home with their parents, none of them are anywhere near parenthood. I wondered how that would affect Les. We are almost 2 weeks in to this journey & Les is diong amazing. I can see that he really loves being a daddy, I love him more & moer when I watch him with our son. My relationship with my own father leaves much to be desired, my mom havign raised us on her own since I was three, I always knew I would marry a man who would be there for his kids, I know I havbe that in Les.

At the delivery everything happened so fast, Les was able to cut the cord & I remember the joy in both of our eyes when we learned we had a son. Then Logan began havign trouble breathing & Les had to take him down to the NICU. Before I knew it both my boys were gone. When Les got back he just broke down & sobbed. He says it was tears of joy at having a son and fear, at seeign Lgoan struggle to breathe & watching the nurses work on him to stablize him, I am sure this was horrifying, even for us as nurses to see.

Les is such a natural with Logan. Here they are in the hospital sneaking in some snuggles in between Logan's phototherapy. I really hate that most of his first week was spent in an isolette not being cuddled & loved on like a baby should. We are working on making up for all that time now!

Les loved his boy & had np problem right from day one takign him in & out of the isolette, doing diaper duty etc. He wants to be hands on 100%.

When Logan first went to the NICU his daddy carried him there. He stayed with him while they stablized him & put him on CPAP and started an IV. He even let Logan hold his little finger & talked to him to comfort him, I am sad I couldn't be with my son them but so glad his daddy was there with him.

Now that we are home Les has stepped up his daddy duties. And these duties of course include cuddles & hugs. I love how affectionate he is with Logan, he kisses & loves on him and is always talking to him telling him how much he means to us. Look at them, two peas in a pod!

Giving his boy lots of hugs and kisses! Remember we have a while week to make up for!

Les has taken Logan's baths on as his task. Although I LOVE bathing babies I am glad to step back & let them have this time. I after all am nursing & get lots of alone time to bond with Logan. Even with our little 5lb newborn Les is comfortable bathign him all on his own, I can take a nap or a break, its nice. I think it gives them a nice chance to bond as well since Logan loves his bath!

Les doesn't do everything exactly how I would do it. He has his own way. A great example is this photo. Logan peed all over himself during a diaper change & so Les just stuck him under the tap to clean him off! It works, and happens quite often at home! LOL

I love both my boys, I feel so very blessed to have a wonderful loving husband. He has been wonderful this past week makign sure the house is together that I am cared for & that of course Logan has everything he needs. He had to go back to work today & we are both missing him lots. Nothign made me happier then when Les came into the kitchen with Logan in his arms (even tho he woke him) kissing him & telling him he would miss him today.

A sigh of relief..

Logan's blood work went good yesterday! His bilirubin levels are starting to drop, we do not have to follow up with the clinic anymore! Logan is also now above his birthweight! At just 10 days! He really is a good little eater, we are still exclusively breastfeeding. I find it a bit stressful wonderifng if he's eating enough etc especially since he is a fsat little eater but I plan on sticking with it! We go to his new Dr. on Thursday for his first check up. I will right another post later after I upload some new pictures, right now I am going to go snuggle with my baby, there is nothing better in the world then that!

Good news & bad news....(PIC added!)

We had our check up yesterday for Logan & I. Things went OK.

I will start with the good news, Logan has gained weight since discharge, since he is a little eating machine! He is up to 5lbs 8 oz, he exceeded the desired weight gain post discharge! They also weighed him before & after I nursed, he took 50cc from my breast, which is great! He is havign lots of wet & dirty diapers which I hope will continue to reassure me he is getting enough, I have been tempted a few times to give hima bottle to make sure but really do not want to interfere with my supply at this point, we both really enjoy breastfeeding and want it to continue working.

The bad news is that they retested Logan's bilirubin levels, to measure his jaundice & they have gone up! His highest level at the hospital was 251, then we stopped phototherapy & they went down to 220 before we left. They were 270 yesterday. The DR is concerned he is rebounding & will need to be readmitted, this devestates me. I am so happy to be home with him, it will be awful to end up back in the hospital. Obviously whatever is best for Logan we will do tho. THe only reason he wasn't admitted yesterday was because he is eating so well & is so active & alert. We go back tomorrow (MONDAY) afternoon to have him retested. Please say a prayer that the numbers are lower & he is on his way to recovery, this is very stressful for a new mommy to deal with!

Everything else is going OK. I am exhausted, I think I have just been doing too much. We just came home Friday after a whirlwind 2 weeks and have been to the mall, out to eat, to groceries & had several visitors. Today I plan on showering, putting on clean jammies & just relaxing with my boys. I am tearful and just so tired, but so happy to be here, I think I just need to rest & listen to my body a bit better. Nursing is going well, he is eating every 2 -3 hrs during the day & every 3-4 hrs at night. I have him in the sun right now hoping it helps fight the jaundice. I will post some pictures later when I have a bit more energy, thanks for the prayers!

EDIT~~ I have added Logan's birth announcement photo for you! He was 1 day old here, my Aunt came to the hospital & took it!