Wednesday, March 9, 2011

My life long struggle

I have struggled with my weight since puberty. As a child I was thin, it was never soemthign I worried about. Perhaps because of our active lifestyle (we didn't have a car until I was in the 6th grade!) and our lack of money that led to healthier eating!? Who knows.
Around grade 8, I was about 13 I started gaining weight. I actually had to go out and buy a second graduation dress because my first purchase became to tight in the months leading up to graduation. This is when I began to diet. I have "dieted" off and on ever since.
There have been times I have been succesful, in grade 9 I slimmed down, I was a healthy weight. And then in grade 10 after a "bad" break up I decided to lose, I became obsessed. I had a problem. I never admitted it, I'm not even sure that at the time I realized what I was doing was so unhealthy. I ate little, no breakfast ever. At school I ate lunch, usually veggies or soup. I worked out, at night I purged and then often made myself sick. I made myself to crunches for every pound I weighed. At the time this was about 125 crunches, on my 5'3" frame this was a healthy weight. It quickly fell to about 105.
Thats what I weighed when I started dating Les. I wore a size 0 jeans from the Gap. I was tiny. I looked so petite. I loved it. I finally felt cute and yet not confident, I was always so unsure of myself. It didn't last. A few years later in grade 12 I remember I all of a sudden realized how "Fat" I had become. We were planning a trip to Acapulco, our entire class. I had to lose weight. I remember how devestated I was shoppign for clothes and them being a size 7. I weighed about 130 lbs and I was disgusted. I got some weight off again, but never got as small as I had, or as small as I wanted to be.
I tried everything, crash diets, shakes, weight watchers. But I have always goen back to terrible habits and emotional eating. My weight has largely fluctuated all of my adult life.
Fast forward to University, the weight continued to go up and down, I did some herbal diet that was successful up until when I stopped and gained it all back. In 2005 I went to Sweden on exchange, I left here weighing my heaviest ever (at the time) of around 170 lbs.
Whiel in Sweden I was SO lonely. I worked out a healthy amount everyday and cooked good whole foods, I came home about 20lbs lighter. I felt good, I was happy to be home, and the weight came back slowly.
In 2006 when I got engaged I was unhappy an in the 160s. I deicded to join weight watchers and to start moving, I had success, healthy succes, here is Les and I just prior to our engagement party, Spring 2007. Les had lost 70lbs himself in this same time that I last about 15 or 20.
Somehow, again I let the weight coem back. And months before my wedding was devestated to learn my wedding dress did not fit. Every brides night mare!
With the help of a personal trainer, and healthy eating I lost 20 lbs and got down to about 150 and fit into my dress. You would think I would learn at some point.
And yet in the 6 months after my wedding I managed to gain about 30lbs. As did Les.
December 2008 I got pregnant and weighed 188lbs, my highest weight ever.
July 2009 Logan was born, I weighed 204 lbs. I was disgusted.
At my 6 week post partum check up I weighed exaclty what I did when I got pregnant, I can't blame L for this! I joined weight watchers Fall 2009 half heartedly, I worked out and did manage to lose about 10 or 15 lbs. And then I stopped, and the weight came back.
This is Les and I this past fall, I hate how we look. I am ready (finally hopefully forever) to change. I am hoping that L is my strongest motivator ever. I am sick of hating picutes, of hating myself. I want to have energy for my boy.
But it goes beyond that. Both my Maternal and Paternal grandmothers are morbidly obese (I am talking 300-400 lbs) this scares me. Les and his family members have similarly struggled with their weight. Poor L has crappy genes. I have to at least give him healthy lifestyle habits and lead by example. We all deserve it.
I have once again (FOR THE LAST TIME!!) joined weight watchers. My work offered the program, I got a great deal ($200 for 22 weeks!) and the fees are taken right off my payroll.
I started 2 weeks ago, I love the new program! I weighed in at 188.8 lbs on week one. Today I am at 182.8, thats a 6 lbs loss in 2 weeks! We have all been eating much healthy, its becoming a way of life.
As soon as the warm weather hits I'm adding exercise to the plan. I deserve this, and most importantly so does L!
If you made it this far, thanks. I will keep you updated as I continue on my journey!


I'm Just Sayin' - Kerri said...

I'm right there with you. Bad past and all. Except my skinny size was a 6 and now I'm an 18. I joined ww in August and lost 25lbs. Then slacked off and gained almost 10 back. So I'm on it again and will help be a support to you. I need a motivator too. Chasing a 17 month old is tough work! Good luck. Is les doing it with you?

Mrs. Shepherd said...

You can do it! I believe in you, you just have to believe in yourself. Just remember when the world is out of control, our diet is one of the few things we can control! You are way too hard on yourself, enjoy the small successes!

Joanne said...

I was just blog hopping and came across your blog...It really spoke to me. I was a skinny mini growing up and only when I got married did I start to gain. after my second baby we moved to a place where #1. I had to quit a very active job and #2. instead of walking I drove the car everywhere. add slower metabolism with age I am 40 pounds over weight. I hear ya! Good luck on your journey. here's hoping for pictures that we LOVE of ourselves this summer! Blessings, Joanne

Scullyhoyy said...

You can do it, Keep up the good work!