Friday, September 24, 2010

struggling

Here is a photo of my boy and I at the zoo last weekend, I have many more pics and a whole post coming soon (I hope!). I am working on blogging more, that and many other things!

Latley I have just been feeling like I am struggling with life. I actually have questioned whether I could/may have some late onset PPD or anxiety or something. I am honestly not sure, although I think perhaps its just stress? I know no one here can answer that and I am hoping to figure it out for myself.
It started maybe a month or so before I went back to work and its just gotton worse. I just feel like a failure. I am tired all.the.time. I have actually take a few pregnancy tests because I am just that tired (they were negative, I have the mirena & I'm on the pill, but I guess you never know). I am so blessed that I love my job, and when I am there I love what I do (for the most part). I feel so honoured to play such an important role in a family's life. What is more memorable then the birth of your child? And I know that the nurse can really make or break your experience. Because of this I go to work, on my way each day I say a prayer that I can do God's work. Once I am there I see myself as a facilitator and advocate for my patient, I want her experience to be the best it can be, whatever that means for her and her family. I believe I am good at this, and thankfully this hasn't changed.
However, the drawback of my job is my long hours. Often I leave L for days at a time. On my new schedule he will go to my mom's Tuesday afternoon and I won't pick him up till Friday afternoon. She will bring him to daycare each day, pick him up, do his dinner & evening routine, put him to bed and dot it each day till I am not working. How awful is THAT? Literally she is beign the momma. I have such bittersweet feelings about this. I am so so thankful my mom can and is willing to do this. I cannot think of a better "substitute" for me. And L LOVES her so much, he is so happy with her. I just hate leaving him, I just hate that several nights a week I am not tucking him in or singing him to sleep. I hate hate hate it.
Also, because I am part time I do wonky shifts flipping from days to night and back with a 24 hr turn around. I feel so guilty about beign away from L for so long that I will only let myself sleep 3 or so hours and then get up to get him from my mom or daycare. Then I find that I am tired (even if I sleep longer, which I often I just can't) and I am not as patient with him as my heart wants to be. Then I feel guilty.
Of course other aspects are suffering as well. My house, I can't even explain to you. Its clean, but messy, like really messy. Les works long crazy shifts as well, so we are both exhausted after beign gone for 13 hrs, something just has to give. We are strongly considering a cleaning person twice a month, I am just not sure its in the budget.
And then there is my marriage. I love my husband very much, he is a wonderful and loving man. He helps with L and the house. However I am a strong believer that marriages need work, they take effort. I hate to admit that we are not always putting in the effort we should. I have complete faith that we are and always will be a strong couple, however I know that I need to find more "us" time.
And as usual, lastly me. I most days hate myself. I know thats awful. Its the complete truth. I look in the mirror and I am so very discouraged. I have lost all my baby weight, I can't hide behind that excuse forever. I will always struggle with my weight. I know the lifestyle changes that I need to make. I just don't have the energy or motivation. I am largely an emotional eater, when I am sad or stressed (often about everything I am writing about here) I eat. This is not good.
There are so many things that I just don't have time to do that I really enjoy, like digital scrapbooking, hair clip making, crafting, blogging, and with the list above, this clearly falls to the bottom of the priorities. I am hopeful that the change of trying to juggle work and everything else is the driving force behind all these feelings. I am hopeful that I can perserve that I can fidn just the right way to fit it all in, and at least be good at most of it. I know I am hardest on myself, I just have high expectations I guess. I always thought I would be so good at all of this, and I am so saddened that I am not.
I guess I'm not sure where exactly I going with all of this, as usual it just feels good to get it all out.




3 comments:

Emily said...

I think we have all been there. I hope you hang in and push through. As for help if you need to - there is no shame in it. A Happy Mama is best for everyone. Hugs!!
Emily

Jillian said...

Praying for you dear friend!

Scullyhoyy said...

(((hugs))) I am an emotional eater too, it sucks.
I will never be skinny either, boo.
Your doing a great job, everyone gets in a rut I know things will get better.