Thursday, November 11, 2010

mama guilt

I suffer from some serious mama guilt. Do all mama's experience this? I just feel like I'm not enough, not good enough, don't do enough. And this guilt extends, spills over into the rest of my life. Clearly I'm still strugglling. I'm working on it. I am making an effort. I know for sure my husband would tell you our marriage needs more work, much much more work, and more time.
I had the opporunity to spend time with another mama today, and she shared with me that she has faced similar struggles. And while it makes me sad to know that, it makes me feel
better too. Less alone, reassurance that this is normal, hope that it shall pass. She told me (and she's not the first mama friend to say this) that I seem like I have it all together. What a facad I am keeping up! I feel like I am falling apart.
But the guilt....

Guilt over not interacting with him enough, allowing him to perhaps watch a bit too much TV. Or to occupy himself with (perhaps unsafe) play places, like my kitchen cupboards.
Guilt over not feeding him well enough. He eats fairly good and most meals, most days I ensure are well balanced. But I give him treats, like double fisting ice cream cones, or cookies and other sweets. Or maybe even (gasp) McDonalds for dinner when we've both worked all day.
What happened to my grand plans of pre planning and cooking and freezing healthy and nutritious meals?

Guilt over the car, he's still rear facing, its safer, period. I get SO MANY eye rolls. Guilt over the screaming that ensues with many car trips. Guilt over the treats I give him in the attempt to prevent the screaming, or the DVDs he watches. Or him falling asleep at unscheduled naptimes (like we have a schedule anymore!).

I could go on, seriously. I feel so much guilt. I want to be better at it all. I see other mamas with babes Logan's age planning or working on their 2nd babies and then I feel guilt that I'm jsut not ready to have another right now. That in all honesty I don't think my marriage could survive it. IS that fair to Logan? Doesn't he deserve to grow up with a sibling?

He deserves healthy home cooked meals, and loving PATIENT parents, where oh where is my patience with these tantrums? He deserves a schedule and a set bedtime and all of the things I imagined I would do and be. I feel like he deserves better, and yet I know no one could ever ever love him the way I do. Its a feirce mama love I just want the very best for my boy. Perhaps I am setting my own standard too high? WHo knows....




4 comments:

I'm Just Sayin' - Kerri said...

Sarah you are doing great, I'm sure. Your son is happy and healthy, that is what really matters. I'm feeling guilty all the time too, I don't know if it will ever go away.

Hang in there, God wouldn't give you more than you can handle. I'll be thinking about ya.

Jennifer said...

Aw, you need to cut yourself some slack! It sounds like you are a great mom, and I think the fact that you are feeling so badly about everything is proof- you wouldn't be worrying about it if you weren't a good mom. It's obvious that you love him so much and he knows that too. That's all that really matters. And there is nothing wrong with not being ready to have another baby yet! You have time, and a 3 or more year age gap is perfectly fine! Hang in there, and hope you feel better!

Mitzi G. said...

McDonald's chicken nuggets are all white meat.....not to mention they are good & they are not going to hurt him if he enjoys them here & there. My hubby grew up eating only McDonald's hamburgers.....why....because that is all he would eat & he would scream until he got them so his mom gave them to him & he is fine & eats so well now!! Food is nothing to stress about & I am sure that your little guy knows just how much he is loved & adored by you & Les both!!

Marriage is hard & add being a parent to that & it is even harder but it will all be alright; just love, listen too & understand each other & it will get better in time!!

Hang in here & YOU ARE AN AMAZING MOTHER!!!

Jillian said...

If we thought about all the things we could do better as a mom it would drive us all to the nut house!! I promise every mom has this!! we do the best we can and that is all we can really hope for:)