Happy Days :)

I know receantly I have written a few posts about how we are struggling a bit. Perhaps I am focusing too much on what I feel I'm not achieving, too much on the negative. Perhaps I need to focus on the fun, remind myself of how in love we all really are. Life just gets too busy some days and you forget about the little things, and the little things often really are the best. I'm going to keep it real, its not all puppy dogs and rainbows, life is tough, being a mommy is the hardest work ever, and in the same moment the greatest joy I have ever known.

We have lots of fun, we shop and celebrate our Canadian and Filipino heritage!
We do day trips to the zoo and ride on the carousel, which my boy LOVED.

We bath with our baby. He loves it, he loves the water deep, up to his neck, he sticks his head under the faucet. He splashes and plays, and blows bubbles in the water. I read an awesome blog a while back, if I can find the linky later I will add it. Its a daddy and he wrote about how children need our love, our attention and touch. A loving touch does so much for their young souls, we drown him in kisses and affection.

I have 14 more pages to do in Logan's first year book, and then many more for the next! I can't wait till its done, not sure if I will make my Christmas deadline or not!

However I have found many other things I can do with my scraping, including these mug inserts! last year for Christmas I made Les a mug, as well as the grandparents. These are starbucks mugs, you can buy similar ones a bit cheaper at Target or Meijers. Of course you could make any insert, but I love how these turned out! I made mine first and then Les asked for one too!

This is my mug!

I just found a template online for photoshop (it was free!) and went to work, here is Les'

And here is mine before it went in the mug....

Everyone at work always comments on these, and of course I love to look at my family when I am away from them!

mama guilt

I suffer from some serious mama guilt. Do all mama's experience this? I just feel like I'm not enough, not good enough, don't do enough. And this guilt extends, spills over into the rest of my life. Clearly I'm still strugglling. I'm working on it. I am making an effort. I know for sure my husband would tell you our marriage needs more work, much much more work, and more time.

I had the opporunity to spend time with another mama today, and she shared with me that she has faced similar struggles. And while it makes me sad to know that, it makes me feel

better too. Less alone, reassurance that this is normal, hope that it shall pass. She told me (and she's not the first mama friend to say this) that I seem like I have it all together. What a facad I am keeping up! I feel like I am falling apart.

But the guilt....

Guilt over not interacting with him enough, allowing him to perhaps watch a bit too much TV. Or to occupy himself with (perhaps unsafe) play places, like my kitchen cupboards.
Guilt over not feeding him well enough. He eats fairly good and most meals, most days I ensure are well balanced. But I give him treats, like double fisting ice cream cones, or cookies and other sweets. Or maybe even (gasp) McDonalds for dinner when we've both worked all day.
What happened to my grand plans of pre planning and cooking and freezing healthy and nutritious meals?

Guilt over the car, he's still rear facing, its safer, period. I get SO MANY eye rolls. Guilt over the screaming that ensues with many car trips. Guilt over the treats I give him in the attempt to prevent the screaming, or the DVDs he watches. Or him falling asleep at unscheduled naptimes (like we have a schedule anymore!).

I could go on, seriously. I feel so much guilt. I want to be better at it all. I see other mamas with babes Logan's age planning or working on their 2nd babies and then I feel guilt that I'm jsut not ready to have another right now. That in all honesty I don't think my marriage could survive it. IS that fair to Logan? Doesn't he deserve to grow up with a sibling?

He deserves healthy home cooked meals, and loving PATIENT parents, where oh where is my patience with these tantrums? He deserves a schedule and a set bedtime and all of the things I imagined I would do and be. I feel like he deserves better, and yet I know no one could ever ever love him the way I do. Its a feirce mama love I just want the very best for my boy. Perhaps I am setting my own standard too high? WHo knows....

The Great Pumpkin!

Our little mouse was an excellent trick or treater! He walked the entire way, our street and the next! He loved going to each door, and wanted to go right in each house!
He was absolutely adorable!

The fuel of a loli pop helped with the walk LOL! Logan does REALLY like sweets so we work to make them a special treat, he does have his daddy's sweet tooth!

A year ago a read this wonderful idea on a mama blog (this awesome mama doesn't blog anymore and I MISS her!!) She wrote about the traiditon of the Great Pumpkin, after a little indulging following trick or treating (the lollipop and some smarties here) you leave your loot

on the porch and while you sleep the great pumpkin will take it in exchange for a gift!

While L is still al ittle young to understand this I wanted to start the tradition.

So after trick or treating we left his candy out on the porch for the Great Pumpkin....

And in the morning, he was ADORABLE! I can't wait till next year when he understands a little better!

Is this for me mama??

A new firetruck! Which he LOVES.

Les & I sorted thru the candy got rid of a lot of it and kept a bit to ration to him & ourselves at our discretion.

Happy Halloween!!

Here's our little Mickey Mouse!! He just makes my heart melt! Logan LOVED Halloween, he loved trick or treating and handing out candy-oh and eating candy too!

I have lots more pictures to share soon! Very soon!
And here's my little man at the pumpkin patch! He picked and carried out his very own pumpkin-and he was so proud of himself!

Finally Les & I-LOL!!! WE won a Halloween costume contest at a couples party! We went as Tiger & Elin! We threw the costume together last minute-I can't believe we won!

Perfection & outrage...

Again no picture! Just a quick thought I wanted to share!

I came across this article online this morning. I am truly outraged by this persons ignorance. I am overweight, and although I do not see myself as obese on some little chart somewhere I just may be. And although I know a healthier lifestyle is what I need, getting to that point is a journey. I most certainly do not need some so called "wrtier" to tell me that "obesity is something that most people have a ton of control over", she clearly is an expert on the topic. I guess this women is perfect since she can be so judgemental towards the rest of the world. I see that she has added a insincere, I am sure madated apology that I find no comfort in.

And this is a bit out of character for me but I most add that I am not surprised that with this type of degrading and condescending attitude "she is in her thirties and never been in love before". Perhaps she needs an attitude change before she can find love. Les is overweight too, and I find it extra hurtful that she would be "grossed out" by seeing us kiss eachother, at least I have love, complete with our imperfections!

For me, for us?

I love what I do for a living. I am a registered nurse in a family birthing centre. I have been there for over 4 years. I work in 3 different areas, post partum, high risk antepartum (those mamas on bedrest) and labour and delivery; this last one is my favourite area.

I am so blessed to have a job I love, I also feel very blessed that because Les works full time (also as a RN in another area & hospital) I am able to work part time. And while

working part time may sound, umm easier, its not. For me that means shift work,

a combination of 8 & 12 hour shifts, days, nights, evenings, afternoons. Pretty much

whenever/whatever they schedule me I work. To make it even more complicated

I often don't get scheduled enough shifts leaving me to "pick up" shifts when they are available,

this means 5am call ins, scrambling to arrange child care, night shifts with no nap, etc.

Of course I also work weekends and holidays, after all babies come when they please.

I can't even write more on this topic with out tears, I will just leave at, I work this Christmas,

so does Les. I will be leaving Logan for Christmas. I won't see my baby on Christmas.

Deep Breath.

And so I have been doing some soul searching. As I said I love what I do. How many people love what they do? But I love my family, I love my baby, I want more babies (in plural, I have always said 2 kids, and now I think I want more!?)

I have been doing a lot of soul searching. I wish more then anything that I could stay home. I wish I could make a business out of my digital books, invitation, tutus, hair clips. But we can't. We are a two income family, and we need to be. I am still paying off my student loans. We are saving so that our babies won't have those student loans.

I have been exploring my options with gusto. And while there are several career changes/advancements/shifts, all within the scope of nursing that I am

thinking may be in my future I have decided to explore one for now.

With how busy and overwhelmed I have been feeling I may be just asking for more stress,

but I need to stay focused, think of the end....

I have decided to get my Lactation Consultant certification. I know this isn't earth changing, but it could bring good changes to our family. I'm not sure exactly how yet, I'm not sure in what way I will use it but I believe its somethign that can really benefit us. I hope.

Next month I am leaving for 5 days (big gulp) and taking a course, next summer I will write my exam, and hopefully be officially certified. I have wanted to do this for some time, and I guess the time is now. I hope it pays off like I need it too! At the very least I know

it will allow me to help new mamas and sweet babies in an area that is very dear to my heart.

Discipline

I have been writing this post in my head for a few weeks now. We are struggling with a new issues as L enters his toddler stage. How and when to discipline. Let me start out with this is not a debate, while I welcome advice I am not looking to be criticized for our choices.

Logan knows and somewhat understands the word "no". When he first started becoming mobile I debated on using this word, as some mom on a mommy forum I frequent think that its not a good word to use. After some personal reflection and dicussions with a preschool teacher friend I decided that "no" is an important word in the English language. L needed to know this word and follow it. I try to be consistent and only say it when I mean, most importantly in safety situations.

Most of the time he listens to us, other times he looks at me with a very defient look and continues on with what I have told him no. In such cases I use redirection, I physically direct him away from whatever he is up to (often my computer, the cat food, the garbage, electrical outlets, etc) and help him find an appropriate alternate activity, such as books or toys. For the most part he momentarily protests and then is effectively distracted. This has been working. Very rarely have we just receantly started "spanking" his hand. This is only in situations of danger or when he is hurting someone/something (primarily the cat or dog) AND redirection has not worked. I have also just receantly started using a form of "time out" while I realize he is too young to completely understand this I find removing him helps. If he is being really difficult and trying I physically (and firmly) remove him and place him in a spot just away from where we were and this gets him upset because in a firm tone I say "NO (insert action)" and I very breaifly walk away from him and do something (for about 30-40 seconds) I count and cool down or make sure the cat isn't bleeding etc. Then I reapproach him. I get down in his level, I have a softer tone. I try to explain what he did wrong in simple words and I tell him to say sorry, which he doesn't but one day he will. Then I hug and kiss him and engage him in an activity together. I think this is working as well.

However in the last few weeks Logan has starting displaying some behaviours that I do not like and I am not sure how to approach. It is especially difficult because he is still so young (just under 15 months). I am not sure if these are learned behaviours (from daycare??) or if htey are just a normal part of him expressing his developing indpendence. He becomes very frusturated if something is not working his way (like if his push toy gets stuck or he can't reach something) and he will bite himself (on his hand or arm) or he will scream and clench his hands/teeth, he sometimes also hits himself or the cat or us. I try to talk to him and help him thru the frusturation I try to tell him to ask mama/dada for help.

I know for certain many of his behaviours are more of a cause and effect activity. He throws things and makes an angry face while yelling something like an "AHH" noise. And then he loosk at me to see what I do. Its as if he is testing me! If the behavoiur is not hurting anyone (us, him and animals included) I for now am ignoring it. Instead I wait a few moments until he has stopped ( I don't want to reward the behaviour) and I will interact directly with him (if I had been busy with something). Perhaps part of it is looking for attention? Again, if the behaviour is harmful I immediately address it, even if I don't believe he is trying to hurt us/him I won't allow it. Such harmful behaviours include, hitting, pinching anf biting, to both himself, the animals and us. At first this really really concerned me. I discussed it with our doctor and neither of us believe L has any developmental issues (he has well over 15 words now, he has great comprehension, he follows simple directions, he is extremely affectionate, and loves other children) we believe these are just nromal toddler actions, but I still feel it needs to be addressed, to some degree at least. Is anyone else facing anything similar issues? If you are how are you dealing with it?

Since Logan was very young I have prayed each night over him and I have asked God to bless me with the love and patience that HE has with me so that I can show Logan the same. I want to parent the way God does. I want to have a loving and obedient child, and yet I want to allow him to learn from his own mistakes. This is such a hard role to play. Before I had Logan I had so many ideas on how my child would act and how I would parent. And while many of these I still hold true, some I do not. Its such a hard line tho!

MckMama recently posted soemthing that spoke to my heart on the topic, she words it much better then I can! Head over and check it out.

And since no post is complete with out pictures, here are a few swing pictures from the apple orchard! I can't wait to check out the pumpkin patch next weekend!